A review by sentientsockboy
If you haven’t seen the first Gladiator before, go watch it! It’s pretty good. I’m not as obsessed with it as some people are, but it’s a solid revenge tale with effective performances from Russell Crowe (duh, of course he’s good) and Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin’s performance is a bit “showier” because he’s playing the unhinged villain, but I think Crowe does some very understated work here. As in other films, he manages to convey a character’s internal emotions without dialogue.
So, first I’ll do a non-spoiler speed round of why Gladiator 2 is Very Bad. It falls prey to Ridley Scott’s more recent indulgences in excess. Everything is Big and Loud and Flashy. The CGI feels jarring. The dialogue is at best clunky and cliched, at worst unintentionally funny at multiple points (the theater I was in burst out laughing at several moments that weren’t supposed to be funny. This really enhanced the experience). I did not give the slightest of shits about the main character.
The main character (played by Paul Mescal) kinda reminded me of the main character from the 2014 Godzilla movie (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson). Just a generic Tough Competent Guy who is not interesting in any way. But here’s the real crime of this film: it has an absolutely stacked cast and not a single compelling performance.
Denzel Washington’s character got some hype, but (again, no spoilers yet) his character makes no fucking sense. His motivations and behaviours change so drastically from scene to scene that he doesn’t feel like a human being. He is a device for the writers to Make Things Happen and spout dialogue that they think is Cool but is actually Quite Stupid. Pedro Pascal comes the closest to a good performance, but the horrendous script drags him down alongside everybody else. Ridley, how could you.
Pascal’s military general character has some glimpses of depth. At one point, Pascal does the formerly mentioned trick of conveying some inner emotions without dialogue (I think they call this “acting” or something). He probably would have been a much better main character to focus on actually, now that I think about it.
Also: can you believe Connie Nielsen is 59 years old?!? Holy shit. She looks so good. That’s all I have to say about this. One of the very few good parts about watching this movie was googling “Connie Nielsen age” and then being like “wow good for her”.
Next paragraph,SPOILERS BEGIN.
One more compliment for this film: some of the fight scenes are quite well choreographed and shot. Particularly some of the hand to hand brawls without weapons. Good stuff, and Mescal is lookin thick as a sexy tree trunk.
SPOILERS.The beginning and middle of the movie are just dull. I don’t mean because it’s a slow burn and I’m a baby who needs bam bam special effects to keep me entertained. The opposite, actually. It’s all bam bam stupid shit and I couldn’t make myself care. Mescal’s character has a wife, she’s like “Hello I am your wife you care about, I will die tragically soon.” Mescal is like “I love you in ways that Hollywood writers simply cannot convey in a compelling way.” She dies tragically.
Mescal is taken prisoner by the Romans and forced to fight in the arena as a gladiator (yes it’s a retread of the first film. Whatever, this actually doesn’t bother me). The arena fights are pretty stupid. Early on, there’s a fight where a bunch of shitty CGI baboons are released into the arena. Sure, fine, whatever Ridley. Do your thing. Mescal bites one of the baboons. Another character tells him that he is Pure Rage or something, but I don’t actually see it. I think he is just boring.
There’s a bunch of scenes where characters speak dialogue that sounds like a first draft.”I am planning a coup.””Really? When?””I dunno, like 10 days from now or somethin? Gotta be in the right mood.””OK cool we’ll have a coup in 10 days thx for letting me know.”Characters talk about the Dream of Rome, which is a reference to the first film (and also a reference to the historical city of Rome, and the existence of dreams, which happen when we sleep).
So stuff just kinda happens for two hours. Again, the arena fights are generally stupid, but the random brawls / fistfights that happen sporadically are a highlight. Whoever was responsible for the choreography and staging of these particular scenes did a good job I guess. Anyway it turns out the Paul Mescal is the kid from the first movie (we already know this from the movie’s marketing) and he is angry at his mom (Connie Nielsen, who again, is lookin mighty fine)
At a certain point I thought to myself “If I wasn’t watching this movie in the theater with other people, and was just home watching it, I would turn it off.” I discreetly checked my phone (it was quick and brightness was turned down, I don’t want to be a Movie Theater Asshole) and I realized to my horror that there was still around an hour left. What the fuck.
The twin Roman emperors in this movie are also Quite Bad (you might be noticing a pattern). So in the first film, Joaquin was a creepy unstable guy and he did a good job portraying this. The script also established him as a character with motivations and a past etc etc (I believe they call this “writing”). Here’s an analogy: Joaquin’s emperor in the first Gladiator is like Heath Ledger’s Joker. The two emperors in this film are like Jared Leto’s Joker.
The emperors in this film have over the top bad makeup and bad hair (to convey that they are bad) and they act erratically and say strange things (to convey that they are bad) and their general vibe is “LOOK AT ME MOM, I’M BEING A CREEPY VILLAIN! WOOO NO HANDS!” Like everything in this film, it is not interesting.
Anyway at some point I went to the bathroom, not because I had to go to the bathroom, but because I needed a breather. I couldn’t take so much boring, uninteresting, hacky Hollywood shit for such a sustained period of time. I only missed like 5 minutes so I don’t think this invalidates my opinion of the movie. Also, there are many scenes that are pointless and don’t add anything, and sure enough I really don’t think I missed anything important or interesting.
At one point, a character exclaims (not an exact quote but I’m trying to get this as close as possible, I’m like 95% there I think) “The disease that has affected his genitals has spread to his brain.” I am not criticizing this, it’s actually really funny and enhanced the movie for me. Also, as noted, being in a theater with other people laughing at the stupid shit made this movie better as well.
Oh, something that I thought was really funny: Connie Nielsen doesn’t recognize her son as the gladiator in the ring at first, because he’s been away for years and years. But at one point, he squats down and scoops some dirt in his hands dramatically. His mom sees this and is like “OMG Russell Crowe did this in the first movie. Is this my son?!?!?” I don’t think I’m criticizing this either, I love it.
I need to get back to my job so I’m wrapping this up. In addition to baboons there’s sharks, rhinos, elephants. If you’re a fan of CGI animals I guess you’ll think this is neat. At the end of the movie Paul Mescal gives a speech to inspire everybody about the Dream of Rome, and I don’t remember a single word he says. If you told me that he said “Let’s protect democratic ideals and the Dream of Rome, because I really wanna get home and eat a grilled cheese sandwich” I would believe you.
FINAL THING: I saw this film for my birthday, and this pic, courtesy of @nwodg, is my review in picture form
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