By: Mariam Neely
BATON ROUGE, LA – In a bold move that has sent ripples of… well, not exactly joy through the nation, Louisiana has officially embraced its inner darkness. Forget sunshine and smiles; the Pelican State is going emo.
The state’s new aesthetic is a blend of traditional Louisiana culture and classic emo sensibilities. Think black lace parasols shading pale faces from the oppressive Louisiana sun, crawfish boils served with a side of existential dread, and gators sporting studded collars.
Local businesses are embracing the trend. “Tears of the Crawfish” étouffée is flying off the shelves at local restaurants, and the “Existential Dread Beignet” is the must-try dessert for any self-respecting emo tourist. The local bayou tours now feature melancholic poetry readings and acoustic guitar performances.
The state’s new aesthetic is a blend of traditional Louisiana culture and classic emo sensibilities. Think black lace parasols shading pale faces from the oppressive Louisiana sun, crawfish boils served with a side of existential dread, and gators sporting studded collars (though finding appropriately sized collars has been a logistical nightmare, sources say).
The Louisiana Office of Tourism has launched a new campaign targeting the nation’s angst-ridden youth. Slogans include: “Louisiana: Find Your Inner Darkness, Embrace the Bayou Blues, Where Even the Alligators Understand Your Pain.
Local businesses are embracing the trend. “Tears of the Crawfish” étouffée is flying off the shelves at local restaurants, and the “Existential Dread Beignet” is the must-try dessert for any self-respecting emo tourist. The local bayou tours now feature melancholic poetry readings and acoustic guitar performances of Dashboard Confessional deep cuts. The Louisiana music scene has also undergone a dramatic transformation. Traditional jazz and blues have been replaced by the mournful sounds of emo bands like “The Bayou of Broken Hearts,” “The Crawfish Cry,” and “Evangeline’s Emo Escape.” Local music venues now feature dimly lit stages, dramatic fog machines, and plenty of strategically placed candles. Even the state’s official bird, the brown pelican, has gotten in on the act, sporting a new, brooding look. Imagine a pelican with a single, perfectly placed black feather falling dramatically over one eye. That’s Louisiana in 2025.
So, if you’re feeling a little… melancholy, if your soul is as deep and murky as the Louisiana bayou, if you understand that life is pain and hope is a lie, then come on down. Louisiana is waiting for you, with open (heavily lined) eyes and a playlist full of existential angst.
We’re not okay, and neither are you, probably.
