By: Justin Witten
America has once again stared down the face of imminent insect-related doom and emerged victorious! We faced a foe so terrifying, so deadly, that its very name struck fear into the hearts of beekeepers and picnickers alike: the Murder Hornet! Or was it the Killer Bee? Honestly, at this point, who can tell the difference?
For the brave men and women of the Washington State Department of Agriculture (WSDA) and the USDA have declared MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! The Murder Hornet (or whatever it was) has been officially eradicated from the United States. We did it, folks! We actually did it!
Remember the dark days of 2019, when the first reports of these monstrous insects surfaced? Panic swept the nation. Headlines screamed of “hive decapitations” and “super stings.” We envisioned swarms of these oversized wasps descending upon our cities, turning our picnics into scenes of utter chaos. It was a dark time.
But thanks to the tireless efforts of our dedicated scientists, entomologists, and people who look good in hornet suits, the threat has been neutralized. Traps were set. Nests were located and destroyed. Countless hours were spent meticulously studying these creatures, trying to understand their motives, their weaknesses, their… general hornet-ness.
And the public played a crucial role too! Every buzzing insect, every errant wasp, every confused moth was reported with the utmost urgency. We received thousands of reports, most of which turned out to be regular bees, but hey, better safe than sorry, right?
Then, the glorious day arrived: the official declaration. Confetti rained down (metaphorically, of course – we didn’t want to attract any *other* insects). Speeches were given. Backs were patted. Mission Accomplished banners were hastily printed (we had a few left over from the Great Cicada Scare of ’21).
But… here’s the thing. Looking back, the hornets… they didn’t really do much, did they? I mean, a few bee hives got roughed up, but there were no widespread attacks, no apocalyptic swarms. It turns out, containing them wasn’t quite the monumental struggle we anticipated.
But hey, a mission is a mission! And we accomplished it! We defeated the… whatever they were! So let’s raise a glass (of honey, perhaps?) to the brave men and women who saved us from… well, from something.
Another successful mission for humanity… or at least for idonthavealife.com
